Letters I Will Never Send (aka: Life in the Desert)

2017 Goals

Well, I did it. On the very last day of 2017, I have managed to accomplished the one and only tangible goal I set for the year. What was that goal, you ask? It was to read 55 books. Yay, me!

I know. Big whoop.

That is exactly how I feel about meeting my goal. Meh. Whatevs. Had I failed, had I only managed to read 54 books, or even 40 — gasp — would it have made any difference? No, not at all. 55 was just some random number I came up with in order to participate in the Goodreads Reading Challenge. It was fun, I guess, to see if I could do it, but also kind of pointless. Who cares whether I read 55 books? What matters more is whether I read anything of value, anything noteworthy, anything lasting.

Reflections & Lessons Learned

I didn’t set any other goals during 2017. Most of my life was about maintenance. Maintain my consistent good efforts in my career. Maintain my weight. Maintain my regular fitness routine. Maintain my family and home.

I also had unwritten, less-defined social goals. Go out of my way to talk more with people at my workplace. Attend one or two meetup events per month in order to get to know other people, and maybe try a few new social things. The idea was to break out of this social desert I’ve been existing in for the past 6-7 years. Maybe even make a friend or two.

But then I did something really stupid. Something that took an incredible amount of courage to try, but was still stupid. I gave dating a try. After all, I had been divorced for a few years. I’m still fairly young and attractive, a great person, and fairly interesting, so why not?

Unfortunately, it went too well. I spent the summer dating the man of my dreams. He was ideal for me, in every possible way. We had so much in common and got along beautifully. We were even compatible in bed — something I had assumed would not happen in my lifetime. But Mr. Right did not feel that I was right for him, and he moved on. I can’t blame him for that. He has every right to seek the woman who is right for him.

And that was the end of the dating experiment. Because after you’ve met your ideal partner, well, there’s nowhere else to go but downhill, into Settlesville. I already spent 17 years being unhappily married to someone I had settled for. I have zero interest in repeating that history.

What did I learn from that failure? I learned that I can’t handle losing friends. Because that is what he had become to me. Strip away the romantic stuff, the kissing and flirting and sex, which I can live happily without, and we had developed such a good friendship. And then…nothing. Another abandoned friendship. The inevitable fate of every single close friendship I have ever formed. And as usual, not my decision.

The pain of losing a close friend is the sharpest, most intense pain I have ever experienced. It hurts worse than natural childbirth. It is harder than divorce. It is as deep as grief. The only solution that makes sense to me, the only way to keep it from happening yet again, is to never form close friendships with anyone ever again. Not in a romantic or platonic sense. The end result, the rejection and abandonment, is far too high a price to pay.

Luckily, I have had many years to practice being my own good friend. I’m pretty good company, I must say. I’m interesting, and kind, and funny, and I have great taste in food, music, and movies. Not to mention books. This year, I plan to take myself out on more solo hikes, to a concert or two, and maybe, just maybe to a live sporting event. All activities that I have been avoiding, saving up to do when I finally have a person or two to share my life with. Well, no more. I have waited long enough.

I still very much miss the people I once called my good friends. I think about them often. I still miss Mr. Right, too. I write to him weekly — letters about my life, wondering about his, sharing jokes I know he’d laugh at, all the things I wish I could share with him. Letters I will never send. Letters I pretend he’ll read, because the only way I know how to cope with the leaving is to pretend that they have all stayed in my life. That they are still my friends. That they still care.

2018 Goals

I have no idea what my goals are. I have no current actual, tangible goals. I have ideas, like traveling with my kids, volunteering in my community, writing stories, and paying off debts I inherited in the divorce. There’s also the usual maintenance stuff. But until I have written these down along with a clear objective and a timeline, I hesitate to call them goals.

I have no more relationship goals or dreams of any kind.

Hey, I know! Maybe this year, I’ll set a goal of reading 75 books. Why not? I have the free time. And just think of all of those books waiting to be read. And if I fail? Well, then I end the year with a few less literary notches on my belt. No pain, no big loss. I’ll drink to that — Cheers!

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Play on Repeat (aka: 365 Days of New Year’s Day)

So I read on some wise, informative website today (Twitter, probably) that whatever you do on New Year’s Day is what you will end up doing all year long. That’s 365 days of repeating today’s choices. Hopefully most of you didn’t just lie around, staring mindlessly at the television.

snoopy-and-woodstock-new-years-toast

Of course, I have no idea who came up with this zany idea. For all I know, it’s just some ancient New Year’s Day superstition, like not washing any laundry on New Year’s Day or you will wash away a person. I swear, I am not making this up. But still, I thought it would be fun to review how I spent this first day of the year, since it will foreshadow the remaining 364 days, it seems.

      1. I did a lot of cleaning and organizing. Seriously. I undecorated the Christmas stuff, scrubbed surfaces, tossed things out, and organized. This is one of my favorite New Year’s Day traditions — out with the old, in with the new. Sweep away the dust and pine needles and start the year fresh and clean. So far, it has yet to carry over to the remainder of the year, but I remain cautiously optimistic.
      2. I managed my home and family. As the one and only Head Honcho around here, I get a lot of opportunities to delegate tasks, call the shots, and make sure people are where they need to be at the right times. Today, this went pretty smoothly. I even got the kids to write a couple of thank you cards. (Gasp!)
      3. I went a little over budget. Eep! This is the opposite of my financial management goals for the upcoming year. To be fair, I mostly bought practical, helpful things, like plastic bins and cute matching organizers for all that tidying up. But still, a budget is a budget, and with plans to pay off old, pre-divorce debts and send kids to college soon, I’d really get a better handle on balancing the ol’ checkbook.
      4. I was active. Not as active as usual, since I’m healing from a nasty cold. But I count all of my traipsing around on foot today as much-needed exercise. The goal? At least 30 minutes of daily moderate exercise, whether it is brisk walking, jogging, or climbing the many stairs in the skyscraper where I work.
      5. I read. Okay fine, I only read the newspaper. But it counts. My goal this year? To read at least one book per month. Seems attainable enough.
      6. I was social. Sort of. I was social a lot with my kids. We talked and played around and cleaned together and finished our annual family slideshow. I should probably have social goals beyond just my kiddos and the occasional small talk with coworkers. But I am kind of at a standstill in that arena. How on earth do people get beyond the small talk realm and into that place where they do fun things together outside of work? (Do all those people even exist outside the building? What are they like when they’re not being all professional?)
      7. I made healthy eating choices. Low carb, low calorie, and yummy foods. I could totally live with that for the rest of the year.
      8. I accomplished most of my daily goals/tasks and planned for tomorrow’s.
      9. I relaxed. A little. I should have maybe increased my relaxation to productive work ratio, as I probably should most days.
      10. I wrote. Yes, I am counting this blog. But as long as I am writing something every day, I’m cool with that.

Happy New Year, readers! Maybe the new habits you began today carry over throughout the year, and may any laundry you happened to do today not wash away your family. Blessings!

new-year-same-me

Move It Move It (aka: The Fitness Discussion Again)

If you are reading this right now, then chances are you have some sort of New Year’s Resolution in mind.

Yes, you, readers. All five of you.

It may be something subtle, like, “Eh, I probably shouldn’t eat so much fast food this year.” Or some more ambitious goal, like, “This year, I shall lose fifty pounds!”

Um, good luck with that.

According to Nielsen, the two most popular New Year’s Resolutions year after year pertain to weight loss and fitness: losing weight, keeping it off, and getting physically fit. It’s almost as though we actually recognize that our bodies aren’t meant to lie around on the couch as we feed them Cheetos and root beer (ew).

good health New Year

So how do we achieve these goals? Do we switch to one of those all-meat-no-bread or all-bread-no-meat diets? Invest a few hundred dollars in a membership at that fancy health club with all the high-tech workout equipment? Buy a FitBit? Pin up inspirational magazine pics of fit, skinny people around our work cubicles?

Well you can, if that’s your thing. But here are two things that will probably work a whole lot better:

  1. Consume fewer daily calories (No way!)
  2. Move your body a lot more (*Gasp!*)

I know, I know. These two things are like, physically impossible. But know what? They work for a lot of us. Now, you can join a fancy gym if that’s what works for you, and you can afford it. But really, there are a lot of activities you can try which will help you in your journey, whether your goal is weight loss or maintenance, physical fitness, or just overall enjoyment of life. Here are a few ideas:

Health club/Gym (This means actually going several times a week and like, using the equipment)

Yoga / Zumba / Pilates / Cardio Kickboxing class

Adult sports leagues: Soccer, basketball, volleyball, softball (Especially soccer. Try that one first)

Frisbee

Tennis (try looking for a local meetup group if you need a partner)

Hiking

Dancing (classes or casually)

Roller skating / ice skating / inline skating

Running (Try Couch to 5K ® if you’re not sure where to begin)

Swimming / water aerobics

Paddleboarding / kayaking / rowing

Cross-fit (Some people love the group experience and varied routines)

Cycling (You don’t need an expensive, fancy bike to enjoy biking, and it’s great local transportation, too)

running sports fitness

Just remember: What works for one person may not work for another. I, for example, wouldn’t play basketball if you paid me. But I am crazy about soccer, Frisbee, and tennis. Also, don’t be too quick to decide that a physical activity is not right for you. I was once adamant that my body was not built for running. But I made a commitment to try it for six months, and guess what? I ended up with a body that was built for running. Go figure! At the end of the day, it’s all about which type of exercise will motivate you to get up and move on a regular basis. Every little bit that you do is a step toward achieving your health and fitness goals.

Happy Opposite Day! (My New Year’s Fail List)

new year resolution failsLooking for a tried-and-true recipe for failure? It’s simple — just make a New Year’s resolution. You are pretty much guaranteed to fail every time. The typical American pigs out on sweets during the holidays, then creates a guilt-induced list of promises that looks something like this:

I Hereby Resolve to:

1. Go on a diet and lose 15-20 lbs.
2. Exercise every day
3. Stop eating sugar and white flour

And of course, there is a great camaraderie throughout the month of January, as an army of well-intentioned men and women march in step together toward the gym, fill their pantries with brown rice and whole wheat bread, and guzzle water in place of soda.

“This year,” we swear, “things will be different.”

But then, just as the warm holiday glow begins to fade and cold, dreary February comes creeping in, the couch begins to look much friendlier than the treadmill, and we lose our resistance when faced with Valentine’s chocolates and heart-shaped cookies.

“Oh well,” we sigh as we return to old habits. “Maybe next year.”

spongebob-opposite-day

It’s Opposite Day!

Somehow, I think that we are going about things backwards. Maybe we should think of New Year’s Day as Opposite Day. The trick to success is to set ourselves up to fail. Okay, here is my attempt:

In 2013, I Hereby Resolve to:

1. Sit around on the couch streaming movies and TV shows instead of cleaning, or doing handicrafts, or something productive.

2. Shrug my shoulders at my messy house instead of attempting to get more organized (because I will not invite anyone over to see it anyway).

3. Eat whatever the hell I’m in the mood for and not count any calories, because life is short, and bacon is good.

4. Let my bicycle continue to collect dust in the garage. Drive everywhere and spend all our money on gas.

5. Keep writing stories and poems and publishing them for free instead of actively seeking to become a legitimately published author.

6. Be totally antisocial. Don’t call or text anyone, continue being shy and hardly speaking to anyone unless asked direct questions. Keep avoiding Facebook and being social on social networks (because loneliness is so much better).

There. Now surely, if I keep to this list, then I am guaranteed to succeed in every endeavor this new year. On the other hand, should I keep to tradition by failing in my resolutions, then score! This just may become a very happy new year indeed.