The Clothes Make the Man (aka: Dress the Part)

Women's clothes what to wearThe clothes make the man. Or rather, the person.

It’s true. Not just because Polonius said so to his son, Laertes, in a rather ironic speech about being true to oneself and not being a phony. And not just because the idea has transformed into a cliché, handed down throughout the years. But in fact, science indicates that the clothes we wear, and our symbolic associations with them, can indeed affect our psychological processes. (Adam & Galinsky, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology).

In other words, dressing smarter may make you smarter. Dressing sloppily may make you – well, sloppy.

This totally makes sense. When I go to work each day, I take great care to wear outfits that are neat, well put-together, and professional. And also cute. Because dressing this way sets my attitude for the day – I have it all together. I am a well-organized, focused, and confident professional, ready to excel in the workplace. And also cute. However, when I’m home during the weekends, I pull on comfortable sweats, or jeans and an old t-shirt. My I-don’t-care uniform for lazy hours of reading, video gaming, or Netflix marathons.

In addition to the way our clothing can affect how we think and feel, the way we dress can also influence the perceptions of the people around us. Wrinkled shirts, ripped nylons, scuffed or worn-out shoes may give off an impression of laziness, apathy, or untidiness. By contrast, a well-fitting suit, a trendy yet conservative dress, and voilà! The people around us may perceive us as successful, full of confidence, even more trustworthy.

superman movie dress the part

Are these perceptions as important as my own self-perception? Maybe, maybe not. I am inclined to think that the two are dependent on one another. Perhaps, if I were to pull on a superhero suit, it would make me feel and act like a superhero – not only because I appear to myself like a superhero, but because I am aware that the people around me will also see me as such. If a sexy red dress makes me feel sexy, then perhaps it is because I know that other people will also see me as sexy. And if a well-fitting, conservative (and cute) business suit makes me feel successful and confident (and cute), then perhaps it is due to the perception of success and confidence that my suit gives to others. The clothes do indeed make the man (or woman) – both to his or herself, as well as to the people in his or her life.

This is not to suggest that our clothing choices must always take into account the reactions of other people. No matter how snappy a dresser you may be, there will always be someone who sizes up your appearance and makes an unfavorable judgment about your character. Too provocative. Too conservative. Too frumpy. Too matchy-matchy. Too juvenile. Oh, the faux-pas! We can’t please everyone.

Now plenty of people are perfectly content to live their lives in one standard go-to outfit, be it jeans and t-shirts, khakis and polos, or something more Walmartian, as my daughter likes to put it. And that’s totally their prerogative. But for those of us who enjoy the process of “dressing the part,” it is important to strike a comfortable balance between making a good external impression and feeling positive about our own sense of self-expression through the clothes we wear.  Although the clothes make the man, we must also remember, above all, “to thine ownself be true.”

Barbie fashionistas

 

 

 

 

 

Extraordinary (aka: No Ordinary Woman)

male female sexism A coworker and I were having a discussion about childhood antics, during which I jokingly remarked, “I’m a girl. When I was growing up, girls didn’t do things like that.”

My acquaintance responded, “Yes, well you’re no ordinary girl.”

I blinked. “Um, yeah, actually, I am an ordinary girl.”

“You know what I mean,” he said, laughing. “Because you’re into computers and stuff.”

I brushed it off at the time, which is my typical reaction to remarks which are, either intentionally or unintentionally, offensive. But later, I recalled his words, mulling them over to consider them from his perspective.

You’re no ordinary girl.

What does it mean for a man to say that to a woman? Am I to pull on my feminist hat and decide that the words carried some sexist or misogynist meaning, which must be challenged? Is it an implication that a female who is interested in, say, computers and technology, or mathematics, or sports, is somehow less of a girl, or less of a woman? In which case, one must wonder, what makes a woman an ordinary woman?

Traditional Gender Stereotypes are Ignorant

I considered my own journey over the years from girlhood to womanhood. Childhood days of playing with Barbie dolls, and climbing trees in dirty sneakers and bandaged knees. The awkward years of learning to manage trendy outfits and hairstyles, the painful sting and awe of crushes on high school boys, the thrill of cheering with friends during football games. Being a fairy-tale bride in a gorgeous princess bride gown. Sewing curtains to hang in the windows of our home, cooking homemade meals for my husband as he came home from work. The pain and wonder of giving birth to three children, then nursing them at my breast. Years of life filled with planning family outings, leading scouts, baking cookies. Playing soccer, hiking, making photo scrapbooks of my family. Teaching young children during my first career outside the home. Computer games, good books, struggling to keep house as the children grew and grew.Ordinary Woman 1960

But no…I suppose there is nothing typical about any of that.

In the end, I gained understanding. My acquaintance had developed a narrow opinion of me based on the tiny speck which is his knowledge about my life. He saw that I enjoyed computers and sports, and decided that such things excluded me from the world of so-called ordinary women. No matter. I have no need to prove my ordinariness to anyone, for I am well-rooted in one wonderful truth about who I am: I am extraordinary.

I am good, and kind, and honest and talented. I am a creative person with a zest for life and a positive outlook. I am great at a few things, and terrible at a few things (like housekeeping). I can admit and laugh at my mistakes and weaknesses, and I work hard to be excellent in all that I do. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see looking back at me. If an ordinary woman is one who must doubt herself, or live within the limits of a labeled box, chaining her self-worth to the man at her side, then no, I refuse to be ordinary. Instead, I will continue to live, and find happiness, and learn, and grow into the most extraordinary woman I can possibly be.

make the decision to be extraordinary

Marginal (aka: Cultural Nuances and Frustration )

I recently threw a birthday party for one of my kids. It was great fun – a house filled with the noisy, gleeful laughter of little boys, floating balloons made to look like owls, and a punch bowl of frothing, bubbling green “potion” to drink. And candy. Lots and lots of candy.

“Why didn’t you invite me?” one of my older sisters asked in a hurt tone.

I was stunned. “Invite you? But it was a children’s birthday party!”

Apparently, this is a thing in some families; a cultural expectation which eluded me, as cultural expectations often do. And so, I hurt the feelings of my sister by not inviting her to a birthday party full of candy and noisy kids whom she doesn’t even know. Just as I hurt the feelings of my mother by having my child send a lovely, written thank-you card instead of calling her on the telephone.

Black family culture churchYou see, that is what culture is. Many people think that it is about the big things – the language, the foods, and the music shared by a cultural group. But really, culture is a patchwork quilt of hundreds of tiny nuances that can translate into huge misunderstandings.

Sometimes, I am frustrated when people from other ethnic groups expect me to fit into some narrow mold which, in their minds, defines Black American culture. I am equally frustrated when people within my own family hold the same expectation. “But this is how black people think. This is what black people do,” they say.

individualism-vs-collectivismI just grit my teeth. I have never subscribed to the idea that, just because one’s ancestors originated from a particularly geographical location, one is obliged to identify with the subculture of that ethnic group. Of course, voicing such thoughts aloud among those of my family’s ethnic group has the tendency to spark wildfires.

It is not an easy thing when you only identify marginally with your family’s subculture. No matter how hard you try to be kind and accepting of their ideas, lifestyles, and worldview, the differences always separate you. My relatives see me as an outsider. A snob. “Whitewashed.”

I only see me as being who I am.

I wonder sometimes how my own culture diverged so much from my culture of origin.  Perhaps it was due to my constant diet of books from a very young age – the never-ending exposure to new ideas, and new ways of thinking. Through literature, I learned the history behind many of the customs and practices of various American ethnic subculture groups, including that of my family. And in learning the history, I also learned to evaluate the need to continue such a custom.

And maybe that is the problem. I have never been able to simply sit back and accept. There is always that urge to analyze, evaluate, and throw out that which seems unnecessary or unfruitful. Perhaps for most people who fit comfortably within the cultural norms of their family’s demographic group, that urge doesn’t exist. Or the volume is turned down low. In a way, I envy that. I imagine that with simple acceptance comes a certain sense of peace and safety among the herd. And a lot fewer misunderstandings.

But still, there are a few things which perhaps transcend cultural construct, such as consideration, tolerance, and family   . Regardless of how silly and pointless the expectations may appear to me, the fact is that I inadvertently hurt my family members’ feelings. And really, it would not take much to avoid such a thing in the future. Offer an invitation. Make a phone call instead of putting the sentiment in writing. I guess it is no different than in a business environment, where one cultural group creates stronger goodwill by respecting the other group’s foreign cultural practices. Bow instead of shaking hands. Avoid or make direct eye contact. Use formal or informal language.  cross-cultural-communication

Cultural nuances can be a tricky, tricky thing. Especially within a family, where emotions can be heightened and judgments can be sharp and punishing. But when it comes to maintaining relationships, one must practice tolerance and strive for common ground in order to construct those large bridges made up of “little things.”

practice tolerance quote

BOOM! (aka: The ‘Murican Way)

sparkler-july-4If there’s one thing we Americans like to do, it’s give the finger to the rest of the world. This tradition can be traced back to our nation’s early history, when we grew fed up with being forced to pay high taxes without being represented in the British Parliament. So those early patriots set the standard for the rest of us by dumping a boatload of tea into the Boston Harbor. Suck it, King George!

Our patriot forefathers were also fed up with having to bow down to monarchy and aristocracy. “F*$% this,” they said. “All men are created equal.” And so they signed the Declaration of Independence, which was approved by Congress on 4 July, 1776. A rebellious, in-your-face, tea-dumping, gun-toting, anti-traditionalist republic was born.

From that time forward, the 4th of July has been observed as our national Independence Day. Ironically, we celebrate this great day with…well, traditions, like cookouts and baseball games and parades filled with cub scouts and martial arts school demos and tiaraed Miss-Small-Town winners waving from convertible cars like princesses (only not princesses, because that would imply a monarchy).

There is one beloved 4th of July tradition which perhaps best sums up our American patriotic spirit – fireworks. Because what better way to celebrate our nation’s history than by blowing stuff up? The bigger, the louder, the better. Boom! Let freedom ring! Boom! With Liberty and Justice for All! Boom! ‘Murica!

Murica-This-is-How-we-do-itYes, we Americans love our fireworks. And despite the fact that 2 out of every 5 fires on the 4th of July are caused by fireworks, or that in the year 2013, hospital emergency rooms treated 11,400 people for firework-related injuries, we persist in exploding paper things filled with black powder and metal salts every year. Why? Perhaps it is in honor of the original fearless patriots, who looked into the face of tyranny and laughed. In this country, if you’re not encouraging your kids to point blazing 1200°F sparklers at each other’s faces, then you’re not raising them the American way.

I suppose that means that my family was especially patriotic, since when I grew up, we celebrated the 4th with real fireworks, like roman candles, bottle rockets, and M80s. In fact, I have very fond memories of blowing up Barbie dolls and He-Man figures with packs of firecrackers we bought off the kids of Mexican immigrant families down the hill. Okay, yes, it was totally illegal, even back then. But hey – you could say that our family was expressing our patriotic spirit by thumbing our noses at the oppressive anti-firecracker laws. Suck it, Cal. Health & Safety Code! This is ‘Murica!

Happy Independence Day, however you plan to celebrate!

Just to be clear, this is a completely unrelated Independence Day.

Just to be clear, this is a completely unrelated Independence Day.

Jumping on the Bandwagon (aka: Trustworthiness and Culture)

My 13yo daughter is suspicious. “Sure you’re just a regular mom,” she said to me yesterday. “You run superfast. You know all this computer and networking stuff. You speak Spanish and watch all these foreign movies. I mean, who just watches movies in Swedish?”

“Please,” I said. “I’m just a mom. Seriously. An ordinary, cookie-baking soccer mom.”

“Yeah right,” she said. “Let me guess…you work at a bank.”

Maybe I shouldn’t have let her marathon-watch Alias.

Secret Agent Mom

It was a funny and cute accusation. But it also made me wonder. You see, this wasn’t the first time in my life that another person had accused me of being fake, of covering up my so-called true identity with something less sincere. (My ex-husband, in fact, was among such accusers, hence why he is now my ex-husband). On one hand, I find it amusing. I mean, maybe there is something about my personality that makes people say hmmm… Maybe it is the way I constantly walk my own path instead of jumping on political or cultural bandwagons. Maybe it is the way I refuse to reblog those ridiculous memes that shout in bold letters: REBLOG THIS POST OR YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON WHO KILLS KITTENS! Maybe it is because I run superfast, watch Swedish movies, and have an interest in computers and networking stuff. Oh, and bake cookies.

Clearly, such a person can’t be trusted.

trustworthyI wonder what qualities make a person seem to be trustworthy or untrustworthy to others? It’s not a new scientific concept that most people make decisions about another person’s character based on outward appearances. Something as simple as eyebrow height, the pitch of a voice, or how “average” a person’s face appears to us can make a huge impact on how we perceive their trustworthiness. Want to make people trust you more? Try to appear just like everyone else.

fast fast fast runner
Ah, there it is again. The curse of the lone wolf. Perhaps, apart from outward appearance, a person’s life choices and ideology must also be deemed “average” in order to gain the trust of others. Perhaps we find ourselves unconsciously drawn toward people who not only look more like ourselves, but behave more like ourselves, according to the customs of our culture. Perhaps, in a white-collar, wine drinking culture, the blue-collar, beer-guzzling man will have a hard time gaining trust. Perhaps a conservative, rule-oriented group will have a hard time trusting a freethinker who questions authority. And perhaps down-to-earth, simple-minded folk may have a hard time believing the sincerity of a superfast-running, foreign-film-watching computer lover who may or may not be from Jupiter, no matter how delicious her homemade cookies may be.

But that will not keep me from trying to live the most honest, sincere life I possibly can. Even if no one believes it but me. Believe

 

Size Isn’t Everything (aka: The Tiny Home Movement)

True to my cave-dwelling, probably-from-Jupiter nature, I used to day dream about living in some tiny home in the middle of nowhere. Okay scratch that – sometimes I still daydream about living in a tiny home in the middle of nowhere. Someplace in the mountains, or some fog-drenched beach, or in a meadow dappled with tiny wildflowers, in a cottage no bigger than those adorable IKEA showcase rooms (See how you could actually live in 350 sq. feet).

Let’s see…a charming little galley kitchen, a cozy chair or two, and a teensy staircase leading to the sleeping loft, where I could snuggle in blankets and listen to the rain tap against the roof above me. Who needs more?

Oh wait…then I remember. I have kids, of course. And as much as I adore being around my kids, it is pretty much impossible to imagine the four of us crammed together into 350 square feet. wood tiny house

However, there are many other Americans, with or without children, who share the same dream of life in a tiny home, and a number who have made it a reality. During the past several decades, the average size of the American home has grown to well over 2,000 square feet, but recently, the Tiny Home Movement has been begun to grow, too. People from all walks of life have decided to down-down-downsize and live in houses no bigger than many living rooms.

Quixote Village - originally designed to be a homeless community

Quixote Village – originally designed to be a homeless community

Tiny homes have sprung up for various reasons. Some communities have designed small home villages as a solution to homelessness. Some people choose to live in tiny homes to save money, or to live simpler or more sustainable lifestyles. Some do it for the sense of community, like those who live in tiny co-housing clusters, like Tiny House Village in Sonoma County, California, which includes shared amenities such as a community garden and common house. Others choose a tiny house as a way to escape the crowds and live off-the-grid.

Sonoma Tiny Home Village

Sonoma Tiny Home Village

I don’t suppose that the tiny home lifestyle is right for everyone. Some people highly value the ability to collect and display a lot of stuff. And, well, there just isn’t much room for stuff when you’re living in less than 400 square feet. I imagine that it forces you to realize what you actually do treasure most. The bookshelf or a closet full of clothes? The computer or the television? The life of a social butterfly or life in the bat cave? Well, luckily, for those of us who just aren’t quite ready to make such a dramatic lifestyle change, there are places like Caravan – A Tiny House Hotel in Portland Oregon, where guests can live out their tiny house dreams one night at a time. And for those who prefer to just live the dream vicariously, you can try watching the new reality show, Tiny House Nation, or the documentary, TINY, and immerse yourself in a culture that may look small, but is making a huge impact on the way Americans think about our living spaces.

This one even comes with an indoor gym!

This one even comes with an indoor gym!

How (Not) to Raise a Nazi (aka: The Impact of Parenting Styles)

nazi-soldiers“What was the Holocaust?”

It all started with a simple     question posed by my older teen. I was shocked that he did not already know. Everyone should learn about horrors of history such as the Holocaust, in order that we may learn from the mistakes of others and prevent history from repeating itself. So I spent the next twenty minutes with my teens, engaged in discussion about the Holocaust. Which led to the next question: Why would the Nazi soldiers just kill innocent people?

Answer? They were just following orders. My kids were astonished. How is it possible that a human being would commit such atrocities to an innocent person, simply because someone told them to obey? Where was their personal integrity? Where was their sense of conscience?

Like most great discussions with my kids, their questions led me to introduce them to one of my favorite topics: The Long-Term Effects of Parenting Styles. (Yes, I probably broke some archaic unspoken rule by discussing parenting with the very children whom I parent. But what can I say? I’m a bit of a rebel. Blame it on my authoritarian upbringing).

Professionals usually refer to three common parenting styles, which can be characterized as follows:

AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING

High parental control and restrictiveness. Verbal hostility, fear techniques, punitive discipline strategies (spankings, threats, etc.). Most common among households with low SES and lower education levels of parent. “Obey me because I said so and know what’s best.”

strict parents spanking punishment

Punitive discipline techniques, forced coercion, and fear tactics are earmarks of authoritarian child-rearing.

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING

High warmth and involvement, clear communication of expectations, reasoning, democratic participation, positive and proactive discipline strategies. Most common among middle class and affluent households and higher education levels of parent.

“You may choose what to do, but understand that your choices have natural consequences.”

Authoritative parents teaching

PERMISSIVE PARENTING

Lax or inconsistent discipline, Overindulgence or indifference, a general ignorance of child misbehavior, “Laissez-faire,” lack of self-confidence about parenting. “Children will eventually find their own way.”

Difficult choice

“Hey mom! You’re the authoritative type of parent,” said my 10yo, grinning. My other kids immediately agreed, to my great pleasure. You see, there are many longitudinal studies done on the impact of the three different parenting types, and an authoritative parenting style is the hands-down winner. The research consistently shows that children raised in authoritarian or permissive families have the worst long-term outcomes – behavior problems, aggression, depression and anxiety, obesity, poor academic performance, lower sense of personal responsibility, and so on.

“So what type of parenting style do you suppose may result in the type of person who would blindly obey the orders of their authority figure without protest or refusal?” I asked my kids, cycling the topic back around the horrors of the Holocaust.

They got the connection right away. “So basically,” said my oldest teen, “authoritarian parents are raising potential Nazis.”

Perhaps so, I responded. Perhaps it is that authoritarian parents do so without really thinking through the natural consequences of their parenting choices. Without proper education, so many people are like sheep, blindly following the masses, or in the footsteps of their own parents, regardless of whether their behavior is positive or negative. And so, sadly, history repeats itself.

authoriatarian parent Homer

MY CREDS: I hold a B.A. degree in Child Development (which included many hours of research and seminars on parenting). I am a former teacher of young children and current parent to three happy, well-adjusted, thoughtful kids/teens (who apparently still think I’m a great mom, so that’s a plus, too).

FURTHER READING ON THE IMPACTS OF PARENTING STYLES:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thinking-about-kids/201409/authoritative-vs-authoritarian-parenting-style

http://www.scientificjournals.org/journals2007/articles/1031.htm

Understanding the Links Between Socioeconomic Status and Parenting Behavior

The influence of authoritative parenting style on adolescents’ academic achievement

Parenting styles and overweight status in first grade

Impact of Behavioral Inhibition and Parenting Style on Internalizing and Externalizing Problems from Early Childhood through Adolescence