Never Run in High Heels (aka: Practical Advice from Horror Films)

My first experience with horror films came at the age of four, when one of my teenage sisters took me to the movie theater to see Silent Scream. Shortly after, thanks to the growing availability of VCRs, I also added to my horror film repertoire such classic gems as The Shining, The Omen, The Amityville Horror, and The Exorcist. While other kids my age were quoting funny lines from The Muppets,  I was busy quoting Tangina from Poltergeist (“Come children, into the li-i-ight! There is peace and serenity in the li-i-ight!).

Poltergeist

Nothing good on this television.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. No wonder I am so twisted/dark/macabre/bizarre. This is probably true. Really, young kids have no business watching Michael Meyers strangle some woman to death with a telephone cord.

"Get off the phone, stupid. Can't you see that isn't your boyfriend? Lift up the sheet!" ~ Me, screaming at television screen

But, warped mind aside, I did learn some valuable and practical lessons from horror films:

  1. Running with high heels is a bad idea. Not only can you trip and break your ankle, but d-uh, the killer will catch you every time. Better to slip off the heels and use them as a weapon.
  2. If you’re a teenager, don’t have sex. Just don’t do it. In fact, adults, too. Sex is a huge common factor in getting slain by an axe-murderer.
  3. If you live on Elm Street, definitely stock up on Red Bull. And coffee. Better yet, just move to a different neighborhood.
  4. The kid with the dark hair and pale eyes is always evil.
  5. If your toy clown goes missing, just let it be. Don’t bother searching for it. Especially not under the bed. Never look under the bed.
  6. Better yet, don’t have a toy clown. They are always evil, too.
  7. If your house tells you to “Get out!” Then get out. Just do it.
  8. Close your curtains at night or that tree outside will come to life and eat you.
  9. Never buy your Halloween costume from Silver Shamrock.
  10. If you begin to hear the sound, “Ch-ch-ch Ah-ah-ah-ah!”  then run. Run fast. Better yet, get in your car and drive far, far away. (But first, check the back seat to make sure the killer is not hiding there).
Do not be fooled by his sweet face. This kid is the Antichrist with the tattoo to prove it.

Do not be fooled by his sweet face. This kid is the Antichrist with the tattoo to prove it.

You see? Horror movies are not all bad. If you pay attention, you just may learn some tips that can help you to live a long and fruitful life.

Links to Make You Shiver:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/guides/best-horror-movies/

http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/gallery/top_50_scary_movies/

http://www.vulture.com/2013/10/horror-movies-on-netflix-streaming-good-bad-weird.html

Advertisements

One response to “Never Run in High Heels (aka: Practical Advice from Horror Films)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s