Looking for a tried-and-true recipe for failure? It’s simple — just make a New Year’s resolution. You are pretty much guaranteed to fail every time. The typical American pigs out on sweets during the holidays, then creates a guilt-induced list of promises that looks something like this:
I Hereby Resolve to:
1. Go on a diet and lose 15-20 lbs.
2. Exercise every day
3. Stop eating sugar and white flour
And of course, there is a great camaraderie throughout the month of January, as an army of well-intentioned men and women march in step together toward the gym, fill their pantries with brown rice and whole wheat bread, and guzzle water in place of soda.
“This year,” we swear, “things will be different.”
But then, just as the warm holiday glow begins to fade and cold, dreary February comes creeping in, the couch begins to look much friendlier than the treadmill, and we lose our resistance when faced with Valentine’s chocolates and heart-shaped cookies.
“Oh well,” we sigh as we return to old habits. “Maybe next year.”
Somehow, I think that we are going about things backwards. Maybe we should think of New Year’s Day as Opposite Day. The trick to success is to set ourselves up to fail. Okay, here is my attempt:
In 2013, I Hereby Resolve to:
1. Sit around on the couch streaming movies and TV shows instead of cleaning, or doing handicrafts, or something productive.
2. Shrug my shoulders at my messy house instead of attempting to get more organized (because I will not invite anyone over to see it anyway).
3. Eat whatever the hell I’m in the mood for and not count any calories, because life is short, and bacon is good.
4. Let my bicycle continue to collect dust in the garage. Drive everywhere and spend all our money on gas.
5. Keep writing stories and poems and publishing them for free instead of actively seeking to become a legitimately published author.
6. Be totally antisocial. Don’t call or text anyone, continue being shy and hardly speaking to anyone unless asked direct questions. Keep avoiding Facebook and being social on social networks (because loneliness is so much better).
There. Now surely, if I keep to this list, then I am guaranteed to succeed in every endeavor this new year. On the other hand, should I keep to tradition by failing in my resolutions, then score! This just may become a very happy new year indeed.